Romeo Pontague has discovered his love (he has now forgotten all about Rosaline) Juliet is a Captulet.
His friends drag him from the party, but he is repeating to himself:
"Oh Juliet!
You is a Captulet!
You has captured me
Oh Captulet!
Why I loves you so
But I is Romeo,
Why I is the one for you,
Even if I is a Pontague."
His friends think he is a bit potty. They is also quite impressed he can talk rhyme off the cuff so well likes that.
Romeo is smitten so that night he sneak into the Captulet Castle Garden and there he see Juliet on the blacony, who is pondering her love ... for him! he hide behind a nearby rosebush to listen to her wondrous words. She is so beautiful and dignified-looking, standing there in the moonlight.
"Romeo, Rome, wherefore art thou Romeo?" she say.
Romeo is so happy he can hardly resist the urge to pop out and call out "I is here, fair Juliet Captulet! Over by the rosebush!"
But he manage to contain himself.
"It is just a name. A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet," continues Juliet.
She decides to test it buy picking out a rose and she call it "Chrysanthemum!" and then sniff it. It smell the same. "Jukebox!" she call it. "It smell the same," she confirmed. "Scientology!" she call it. She sniff it and thinks it smell a bit funny. "I probably have got a bit of a cold," she excuse herself.
She is about to pick another rose when out pop Romeo.
"Oweeee!" she cry, but when she see it is Romeo her emotions is true delight. "Oh, it is the prudey penguin I is in love with!"
"Do you really has eyes for me?" say Romeo. "For dear Juliet, you is the most prudey and graceful and noble and chaste penguin I has ever laid eyes on."
"Oh I has never heard such music to my ears," say Juliet. "But hide, for they will kill a Pontague if they find him hear. Hmmm. Romeo, I is thinking you is the only penguin I wish to have in my life. You is dignified and noble. You has the best penguin dancing feet a girl could ask for."
"Juliet Captulet, would you like to dance that penguin dance with me forever?"
"If you can marry me, send word tomorrow," says Juliet. "But I thinks it is best to hurry off now for if they make you into penguin burger you is not a good husband for any penguin girl and I fear the Captulets are in a temper right now. Except me."
Romeo hurry off. He has work cut out for him now, that is for sure. But he throw a prudent little kiss to his Juliet, just for a keepsake.
Monday, 11 February 2008
Thursday, 7 February 2008
Romeo + Juliet: A Prudey Tale Part I
Two households, both alike in dignity,
(Lots of dignity I is assuming, and that is a good thing because dignity is to be strived for,
Just as is chastity)
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
At least it is not obscene,
For it is a great Penguiny Prudey story we is telling here
First of a Penguin called Romeo Pontague and one of Juliet Captulet.
However, sadly, the first part of our scene begins like this:
There was some people collecting charity moneys for the Pontagues, and those for the Captulets on the street one days. One little charity collector piped up and says, not too wisely, "We has collected more money than you, Pontagues! Our penguins will be happier and greater in numbers!"
The Pontagues were not very pleased with this and reacted outraged "We is doing very well thanks you and by the way your chastity belt is showing!"
Now these were not very wise words. Charity collecting is altruistic not to sneer at others great efforts (even if you is doing much better hmm hmm) and it is not nice to make fun of a wardrobe malfunction such as a revealing chastity belt. It could be yours next.
This incensed the Captulets were even more angered and their wits were lost, and this ended in a clanging of charity tins on heads. Oh behold!
The Prince of Verona had to intervene and tell them violence was not very Prudey and they had lots to learn.
"Besides making an unholy racket and denting your heads, you is wasting a lot of valuable charity collecting time and blocking traffic! Wasting time and blocking traffic is a grating offence and the next one of youse who does something likes this and disturbs my milkshake break will pay!"
The Prince was very fond of his milkshakes, especially vanilla ones with whipped cream and nut sprinkles.
The Pontagues and Captulets stuck out their tongues at each other but retired. It is a terrible thing, but they were not as wise as penguins is now, and they were very rivalsome groups, in all things.
Back at The Captulet Castle, the lovely little Juliet Captulet who had not been out charity collecting because she was sewing lavender bags to sell at the next Prude Fundraising Effort, was being chatted to by her mother.
"I thinks you ought to marry that man called Paris, he calls often, and you is needing a husband, and he is coming to the dance tonight," Juliet's mother say.
Juliet sigh. She is not too fond of Paris. He look like ... what do people say today? A slime ball?
Over at the Pontague Mansion, Romeo is mooning over Rosaline.
"I am in love with a girl called Rosaline, I really am, but she do not love me," he sigh. "What do I do? I has read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, cover to cover, also What Women Want and every issue of Cleo I could get my hands on and it provide no answers. I has exhausted every avenue."
"You has to forget her," says his great friend, Bestolio.
"I agree, come to a dance tonight, there will be plenty of attractive penguins there plus lots of hot penguin dancing, what more do you need to forget?" chimed in Meritutio, his other great friend.
"Hmmmm, but I is in love ... "
"Oh come now ..." they say
"Indeed you is a best friend like your name, Bestolio, and your idea has merit, like your name, Meritutio. I shall do it!"
And so Romeo went to the penguin dance at the Captulets.
Although it were a masquerade dance, Tybalt, Juliet's cousin, recognised Romeo and thought it very saucy of a Pontague to turn up at the Captulet's dance. He was especially angry since his chastity belt really had been showing then and vowed to make Romeo pay for his arrogance in turning up so soon after the Pontagues had "outed" him.
But Romeo was oblivious to this, since he had just seen Juliet Captulet.
Ah me!
He did not know yet she was a Captulet, and she did not know he was a Pontague. Ignorance did indeed breed temptation. They swam a cross the dancefloor towards each other and did a prudey little penguin dance together and she admired his wayward steps as he did her grace.
They knew then that they were made for each other. They smiled, and chastely dared to touch hands.
"Juliet!" cried her mother, and Juliet was led away by her mother, the prominent hostess.
"Is she a Captulet?" asked Romeo, to himself (thinking: hmmm - silly question)
"Who is that man?" asked Juliet of her Nurse.
"He is Romeo Pontague, and your enemy!"
Juliet is thinking her heart is broken, but she shrouds it with dignity and a noble mask as only a penguin can do.
(Lots of dignity I is assuming, and that is a good thing because dignity is to be strived for,
Just as is chastity)
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
At least it is not obscene,
For it is a great Penguiny Prudey story we is telling here
First of a Penguin called Romeo Pontague and one of Juliet Captulet.
However, sadly, the first part of our scene begins like this:
There was some people collecting charity moneys for the Pontagues, and those for the Captulets on the street one days. One little charity collector piped up and says, not too wisely, "We has collected more money than you, Pontagues! Our penguins will be happier and greater in numbers!"
The Pontagues were not very pleased with this and reacted outraged "We is doing very well thanks you and by the way your chastity belt is showing!"
Now these were not very wise words. Charity collecting is altruistic not to sneer at others great efforts (even if you is doing much better hmm hmm) and it is not nice to make fun of a wardrobe malfunction such as a revealing chastity belt. It could be yours next.
This incensed the Captulets were even more angered and their wits were lost, and this ended in a clanging of charity tins on heads. Oh behold!
The Prince of Verona had to intervene and tell them violence was not very Prudey and they had lots to learn.
"Besides making an unholy racket and denting your heads, you is wasting a lot of valuable charity collecting time and blocking traffic! Wasting time and blocking traffic is a grating offence and the next one of youse who does something likes this and disturbs my milkshake break will pay!"
The Prince was very fond of his milkshakes, especially vanilla ones with whipped cream and nut sprinkles.
The Pontagues and Captulets stuck out their tongues at each other but retired. It is a terrible thing, but they were not as wise as penguins is now, and they were very rivalsome groups, in all things.
Back at The Captulet Castle, the lovely little Juliet Captulet who had not been out charity collecting because she was sewing lavender bags to sell at the next Prude Fundraising Effort, was being chatted to by her mother.
"I thinks you ought to marry that man called Paris, he calls often, and you is needing a husband, and he is coming to the dance tonight," Juliet's mother say.
Juliet sigh. She is not too fond of Paris. He look like ... what do people say today? A slime ball?
Over at the Pontague Mansion, Romeo is mooning over Rosaline.
"I am in love with a girl called Rosaline, I really am, but she do not love me," he sigh. "What do I do? I has read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, cover to cover, also What Women Want and every issue of Cleo I could get my hands on and it provide no answers. I has exhausted every avenue."
"You has to forget her," says his great friend, Bestolio.
"I agree, come to a dance tonight, there will be plenty of attractive penguins there plus lots of hot penguin dancing, what more do you need to forget?" chimed in Meritutio, his other great friend.
"Hmmmm, but I is in love ... "
"Oh come now ..." they say
"Indeed you is a best friend like your name, Bestolio, and your idea has merit, like your name, Meritutio. I shall do it!"
And so Romeo went to the penguin dance at the Captulets.
Although it were a masquerade dance, Tybalt, Juliet's cousin, recognised Romeo and thought it very saucy of a Pontague to turn up at the Captulet's dance. He was especially angry since his chastity belt really had been showing then and vowed to make Romeo pay for his arrogance in turning up so soon after the Pontagues had "outed" him.
But Romeo was oblivious to this, since he had just seen Juliet Captulet.
Ah me!
He did not know yet she was a Captulet, and she did not know he was a Pontague. Ignorance did indeed breed temptation. They swam a cross the dancefloor towards each other and did a prudey little penguin dance together and she admired his wayward steps as he did her grace.
They knew then that they were made for each other. They smiled, and chastely dared to touch hands.
"Juliet!" cried her mother, and Juliet was led away by her mother, the prominent hostess.
"Is she a Captulet?" asked Romeo, to himself (thinking: hmmm - silly question)
"Who is that man?" asked Juliet of her Nurse.
"He is Romeo Pontague, and your enemy!"
Juliet is thinking her heart is broken, but she shrouds it with dignity and a noble mask as only a penguin can do.
Lots of money for an 's'
I has read that a British travel company paid $1.2m for the letter 's' in its URL, that is, it wish to be known as "cruises.co.uk" instead of "cruise.co.uk" and paid $1.2m for the pleasure.
Now I must say that is a lot of cash. I has worked hard at charity collecting all my Prudey life and never has one person slipped a $1.2m note in my tin. They is not easy to come by.
But I sympathise wholeheartedly with the predicament of this travel company, I is often thinking to myself, it is not easy to get the URL or the email you wishes for. They is often gobbled up by someone whom I suspect is not so deserving.
For instance, when I was first setting up this site, my first wish for a URL was the word "prude". It seem to fit in very well with my identity. Then, it do seem, someone else take the URL prude.blogspot.com! And they has not my Prudey stance. in fact their blog is filled with pictures of Pirates - now what has they to do with the great chasteness that true Prudes aspire to?
What's more there has been only a couple of rather vacuous posts and then it has been abandoned since 2004.
Ahh, what a waste for a potentially, beautifully, chaste name! I weep. The shame of it.
Then I looks at the URL theprude.blogspot.com
Again, taken! SOmething about Rocking on with The Prude, but otherwise empty.
Oh I is again mourning these good URLs, in a wasteland. Rock on with this The Prude? I thinks not.
So I try prudey.blogspot.com Oh the shame of it. Something I cannot understand at all I think it is in Spanish or something. Some funny language. Lots of pictures of people with clothes - thank goodness at least not naked and not much flesh-flashing - but not a penguin to be seen. Clearly could do with improvement.
So my top blog choices has been taken!
But naturally I must select another for Prude cannot let a this URL get in the way of her mission, and she do not have $1.2m.
I settles here, where you all knows me.
However, I feel the pain. I empathise. It is a world not always fair. But I must say after a year here I is very proud of PRUDESMISSION
And I did not have to pay a cent for my three s's!
Now I must say that is a lot of cash. I has worked hard at charity collecting all my Prudey life and never has one person slipped a $1.2m note in my tin. They is not easy to come by.
But I sympathise wholeheartedly with the predicament of this travel company, I is often thinking to myself, it is not easy to get the URL or the email you wishes for. They is often gobbled up by someone whom I suspect is not so deserving.
For instance, when I was first setting up this site, my first wish for a URL was the word "prude". It seem to fit in very well with my identity. Then, it do seem, someone else take the URL prude.blogspot.com! And they has not my Prudey stance. in fact their blog is filled with pictures of Pirates - now what has they to do with the great chasteness that true Prudes aspire to?
What's more there has been only a couple of rather vacuous posts and then it has been abandoned since 2004.
Ahh, what a waste for a potentially, beautifully, chaste name! I weep. The shame of it.
Then I looks at the URL theprude.blogspot.com
Again, taken! SOmething about Rocking on with The Prude, but otherwise empty.
Oh I is again mourning these good URLs, in a wasteland. Rock on with this The Prude? I thinks not.
So I try prudey.blogspot.com Oh the shame of it. Something I cannot understand at all I think it is in Spanish or something. Some funny language. Lots of pictures of people with clothes - thank goodness at least not naked and not much flesh-flashing - but not a penguin to be seen. Clearly could do with improvement.
So my top blog choices has been taken!
But naturally I must select another for Prude cannot let a this URL get in the way of her mission, and she do not have $1.2m.
I settles here, where you all knows me.
However, I feel the pain. I empathise. It is a world not always fair. But I must say after a year here I is very proud of PRUDESMISSION
And I did not have to pay a cent for my three s's!
Thursday, 24 January 2008
"Sex Scenes Are A Pain"
It is on the record that sex all the time is not that much fun - well I think people should take notice!
Promiscuity is not only not a virtue but it is not so much so called "fun"!
Prudism is definitely the way to go!
Promiscuity is not only not a virtue but it is not so much so called "fun"!
Prudism is definitely the way to go!
Wednesday, 23 January 2008
How to Compliment a Prude
Dear R.H.
I is sure R.H. is a very nice blogger. Well, I thinks is. Perhaps I should not be counting my feet before they is hatched, or I could be putting my eggs in my mouth. Or something likes that. Anyhow, R.H. seem like a very nice blogger so far, but he say to me recently "Sexy Prude".
Now.
Now, there is some women out there who would relish such a saying, and that is why some people like R.H. seem to say these such things often, I is thinking. However they is not a proper way to compliment a Prude, and since I is on a mission to convert the whole world to Prudism, soon they will be inappropriate to be used anywhere so I feel it is my duty to educate the youth of today and indeed all people today (but especially the youth for the children are the future) as to the proper way of the compliment.
Rule No. 1.
A Compliment Should Never Refer to Sexy, unless to Refer to Virtue of Unsexy
e.g.
Sexy Prude is not a Compliment
However: Prude you is Chaste
or Prude I commend your Abstinence
or Really Unsexy Prude
is all good compliments.
Also, "I wish to have sexy with you, Prude" is a disgusting form of compliment
However: Prude I wish to remain chaste in your presence
Prude you has convinced me to never has sex again
Is all great compliments
Rule No. 2
Compliments referring to the Penguin Nature or a Appearance of a Person is Good
e.g. Prude you looks just like a Penguin today, I has never seen you look more Penguin before, etc.
Rule No. 3
Certain Words is More Appropriate than Others in Compliments
Words to avoid: Nude, Sexy, Promicuous, Naughty, Salacious, Undignified, Dirty, Filthy, Perverted, Dishonourable, Revealing, Boobs
Words to use: Penguin, Noble, Dignified, Chaste, Prude, Pure
I hopes this gives you some guidelines, and these is put to good use.
I is sure R.H. is a very nice blogger. Well, I thinks is. Perhaps I should not be counting my feet before they is hatched, or I could be putting my eggs in my mouth. Or something likes that. Anyhow, R.H. seem like a very nice blogger so far, but he say to me recently "Sexy Prude".
Now.
Now, there is some women out there who would relish such a saying, and that is why some people like R.H. seem to say these such things often, I is thinking. However they is not a proper way to compliment a Prude, and since I is on a mission to convert the whole world to Prudism, soon they will be inappropriate to be used anywhere so I feel it is my duty to educate the youth of today and indeed all people today (but especially the youth for the children are the future) as to the proper way of the compliment.
Rule No. 1.
A Compliment Should Never Refer to Sexy, unless to Refer to Virtue of Unsexy
e.g.
Sexy Prude is not a Compliment
However: Prude you is Chaste
or Prude I commend your Abstinence
or Really Unsexy Prude
is all good compliments.
Also, "I wish to have sexy with you, Prude" is a disgusting form of compliment
However: Prude I wish to remain chaste in your presence
Prude you has convinced me to never has sex again
Is all great compliments
Rule No. 2
Compliments referring to the Penguin Nature or a Appearance of a Person is Good
e.g. Prude you looks just like a Penguin today, I has never seen you look more Penguin before, etc.
Rule No. 3
Certain Words is More Appropriate than Others in Compliments
Words to avoid: Nude, Sexy, Promicuous, Naughty, Salacious, Undignified, Dirty, Filthy, Perverted, Dishonourable, Revealing, Boobs
Words to use: Penguin, Noble, Dignified, Chaste, Prude, Pure
I hopes this gives you some guidelines, and these is put to good use.
What Prude Did on Penguin Awareness Day
It was Penguin Awareness Day , on January Twentieth,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,
That was until Prudey jumped up and got ready,
Put on her Penguin Suit (over chastity belt), and left the house.
Mr Jumbles was ready,
With Squawk our great friend,
And we celebrated this special day,
From beginning to end.
Yes, Penguin Awareness Day was on January Twentieth. It was a great day to learn much about penguins, to adopt a penguin, to spot a penguin, and to get in touch with your inner penguin. Naturally I sees Mr Jumbles and Squawk quite often - ok Mr Jumbles a tad more often however Squawk is fast growing a loyal and frequent companion. However on a special day like Penguin Awareness Day I went out of my way to see them in a special light. I naturally dressed up in my very best Penguin Suit.
We took out our Penguin Charity Tins and one thing we did early in the morning was a very interesting penguin dance routine which we had been working on as a trio. It involve some of the more complex and joyful penguin movements and I regard it as a work of art. It really let my inner penguin out, and perhaps you saw us, if you is from Sydney? Perhaps you is one of those nice peoples who gives us money for the Adopt a Penguin Program or the Penguin Humane Fund? I thinks you is a very good person, thank yous.
We then had a picnic in the park, to get more in touch with nature, and I had much deep and meaningful chatter with my penguin friends. You understand more what is going on in their penguin hearts then and I felt so in touch with penguin feelings then. I was so truly touched.
We told penguin tales all night and watched March of the Penguins DVD too. I tells you, it was a good day ... and a good night.
Wednesday, 9 January 2008
P&O = Perverts and Oglers
P&O has brought disgrace to its name once again with the latest in scandals. But then what else do you expect from a cruise ship which runs such filthy ads with the slogan "SEAMEN WANTED" and a picture of slutty women lazing about on board? I think it is very much provocative and they is showing off bad values.
If anyone is wanting a good time, a really good time, they would not be boarding on one of these ships, because these ships is giving you an assaulting and insulting time. Why peoples buy into them, I do not know. They jump aboard and then cry when they is had sex with. It is like jumping on glass and crying that you has been bleeding.
I thinks the only reason one should jump aboard a P&O ship is to pull it apart and shout hurrah! It is a hull of decrepit and nasty behaviour. What with rapists and paedophiles lurking in every hatch, or so the newspapers report it, it seem.
A PrudeCruise would never allow such activities to take place. Activities would include guided tours and penguin spotting and organised penguin dances and marches, and all staff would personally check that chastity belts were in place for extra protection of passengers. It would be our insurance policy. It is a pity P&O do not follow some basic Prude guidelines like that, and instead of having a drunken raving defiled mob they could have an ordered group with healthy, pure clean prudey fun.
There is some who would say "What, no alcohol, no sex, that's no fun?" but if you was Diane Brimble would you say I would like to be watching a Penguin Play with my chastity belt on alive, or be raped and drugged and dead by boozed up fools - I ask you? It is obvious sex and alcohol lead to no good, especially at high seas - I think it has soething to do with the rollicking sway but I has not done my scientific investigation into it.
P.S. If anyone would like to take part in a Prude investigation in how high seas affect people's stupidity I is happy to talk to prospective volunteers. It is something I may be looking at. Some will be allowed to booze and have sex a lot, others to wear chastity belts and watch penguins. All will be taken on a cruise. Prude will observe their behaviour closely and take notes.
If anyone is wanting a good time, a really good time, they would not be boarding on one of these ships, because these ships is giving you an assaulting and insulting time. Why peoples buy into them, I do not know. They jump aboard and then cry when they is had sex with. It is like jumping on glass and crying that you has been bleeding.
I thinks the only reason one should jump aboard a P&O ship is to pull it apart and shout hurrah! It is a hull of decrepit and nasty behaviour. What with rapists and paedophiles lurking in every hatch, or so the newspapers report it, it seem.
A PrudeCruise would never allow such activities to take place. Activities would include guided tours and penguin spotting and organised penguin dances and marches, and all staff would personally check that chastity belts were in place for extra protection of passengers. It would be our insurance policy. It is a pity P&O do not follow some basic Prude guidelines like that, and instead of having a drunken raving defiled mob they could have an ordered group with healthy, pure clean prudey fun.
There is some who would say "What, no alcohol, no sex, that's no fun?" but if you was Diane Brimble would you say I would like to be watching a Penguin Play with my chastity belt on alive, or be raped and drugged and dead by boozed up fools - I ask you? It is obvious sex and alcohol lead to no good, especially at high seas - I think it has soething to do with the rollicking sway but I has not done my scientific investigation into it.
P.S. If anyone would like to take part in a Prude investigation in how high seas affect people's stupidity I is happy to talk to prospective volunteers. It is something I may be looking at. Some will be allowed to booze and have sex a lot, others to wear chastity belts and watch penguins. All will be taken on a cruise. Prude will observe their behaviour closely and take notes.
Friday, 4 January 2008
The Return of the Sexy Underwear - Not!
Now that it is early in the New Year, this is the time when people are doing two things - buying heaps of cheap bargains because they didn't get whats they wanted for Christmas, and trying to return lots of unwanted presents, because they didn't gets what they wanted for Christmas.
Prude was certain peoples knows what type of person she is, and would buy ethically and appropriately for her. After all she explain it clear enough on her blog and explain it loud enough in the street. WHat do she need extra, a megaphone? In fact perhaps one of those may have come in handy, but no one bought one for her this Christmas. Strange.
However, someone DID buy her something rather inappropriate.
She pull off the shiny paper on Christmas and horror of horrors she receive a most shocking gift and she nearly faint. It is a pity no one get her smelling salts this year. She may have to request them next year in case a disaster like this happen again.
It was, of all filths - SEXY UNDERWEAR!
Prude would not be caught dead in sexy underwear. That has been a direct order, given to those in charge of funeral direction. She most certainly would not be caught alive in such frivolous immoral stuff. That stuff belong on Britney Spears - when she remember to wear them.
So of course Prude took them back to the store for exchange, though it cause her some embarrassment to be in such a store and to have to pull such immoral stuff from a plastic bag. I tell you, I feel soiled doing such a thing.
I say, "Someone bought your immoral filth thinking I would inhabit such a thing. I wish not to be associated with you or your product. I wish to have my moneys back please."
I think I said it in a very polite and dignified way.
The saleswoman say, "Hmmm, it is our policy not to refund for lingerie."
"Whats?"
"Look at the sign. You cannot refund for swimwear or lingerie. It is policy."
"But why? I do not want to be any part of your disgusting industry!"
"It is for hygiene purposes. Now if it were a jacket or scarf, perhaps ..."
"But it is taking great advantage! Swimwear and lingerie are your most immoral products! youse wish to palm them off and say no take back? And what is this about hygiene? Is you saying I is dirty? You is the dirty filthy ones! You is the one palming off these skimpy little .... things!"
"I has told you our policy. We cannot refund for hygiene reasons"
"I has never worn them! They has never touched my skin! Even if I had worn them I has a chastity belt on which would make it very hygienic! What is this twaddle you is palming off to me! I demand my money back!"
"I cannot."
She was like a robot. She cannot say anything but policy, policy, policy. She has no compassion or understanding for my plight. In the end I takes the skimpy things and I say to her, "Then YOUSE have it, you obviously immoral person! They would suit YOU very well!"
Funnily enough she look quite pleased.
Prude was certain peoples knows what type of person she is, and would buy ethically and appropriately for her. After all she explain it clear enough on her blog and explain it loud enough in the street. WHat do she need extra, a megaphone? In fact perhaps one of those may have come in handy, but no one bought one for her this Christmas. Strange.
However, someone DID buy her something rather inappropriate.
She pull off the shiny paper on Christmas and horror of horrors she receive a most shocking gift and she nearly faint. It is a pity no one get her smelling salts this year. She may have to request them next year in case a disaster like this happen again.
It was, of all filths - SEXY UNDERWEAR!
Prude would not be caught dead in sexy underwear. That has been a direct order, given to those in charge of funeral direction. She most certainly would not be caught alive in such frivolous immoral stuff. That stuff belong on Britney Spears - when she remember to wear them.
So of course Prude took them back to the store for exchange, though it cause her some embarrassment to be in such a store and to have to pull such immoral stuff from a plastic bag. I tell you, I feel soiled doing such a thing.
I say, "Someone bought your immoral filth thinking I would inhabit such a thing. I wish not to be associated with you or your product. I wish to have my moneys back please."
I think I said it in a very polite and dignified way.
The saleswoman say, "Hmmm, it is our policy not to refund for lingerie."
"Whats?"
"Look at the sign. You cannot refund for swimwear or lingerie. It is policy."
"But why? I do not want to be any part of your disgusting industry!"
"It is for hygiene purposes. Now if it were a jacket or scarf, perhaps ..."
"But it is taking great advantage! Swimwear and lingerie are your most immoral products! youse wish to palm them off and say no take back? And what is this about hygiene? Is you saying I is dirty? You is the dirty filthy ones! You is the one palming off these skimpy little .... things!"
"I has told you our policy. We cannot refund for hygiene reasons"
"I has never worn them! They has never touched my skin! Even if I had worn them I has a chastity belt on which would make it very hygienic! What is this twaddle you is palming off to me! I demand my money back!"
"I cannot."
She was like a robot. She cannot say anything but policy, policy, policy. She has no compassion or understanding for my plight. In the end I takes the skimpy things and I say to her, "Then YOUSE have it, you obviously immoral person! They would suit YOU very well!"
Funnily enough she look quite pleased.
Wednesday, 2 January 2008
Down with Drunks!
It is 2008 now and today I was about town.
Straight after Christmas there was an attack on stores, with everyone grabbing their hands on cheap TVs and linen sets and silly-priced T-shirts. I do not do such undignified things as involve myself in the "Christmas crush" but I did saunter in and have a ruffle through some bargains. I found myself some lovely oven mitts, just right for when I do my baking and like to keep my paws clean and pure, and a black parasol with white trimming. This is the penguin parasol you knows! Penguin coolours, and very dainty and proper! It will keeps the sun out in the suny days and the rain off in the rainy days and just right when I am out on my charity collecting and converting missions.
So I was very pleased with my purchases.
However, today, and even more so yesterday, there was not nearly as many souls in sight. And you knows why?
No, it was not because the sales has all disappeared. There was many a bargain sock and a lacy parasol to be found, not to mention all those bargain rolls of Christmas wrappings and Santa teddies to be going for cheap (I scooped several; they will do for next Christmas). And there was stores open on New Year's in the City.
It was because many a potential shopper was writhing in bed because of a HANGOVER.
This is, sadly, because on NYE certain people was out partying til late and drinking far too much. That is the sad state of Aussies today and sadder still, they actually believe they can hold the alcohol. They do not realise they become idiot incomprehensible nincompoops with weak bladders after they down a few drinks. And while for some that is their normal state, for many it is a state induced by ALCOHOL - the evil.
And the hangover is persisting til today.
It is very immoral for them to do so and they shoulds be taught a lesson. I advise all moral peoples to teach such disgusting revellers a lesson. Go to your stores sober after New Year's Eve and scoop all the good bargains and leave signs saying HA HA HA GOT HERE BEFORE YOU DRUNK as you buy it. Serves them right and perhaps they will sober up!
Straight after Christmas there was an attack on stores, with everyone grabbing their hands on cheap TVs and linen sets and silly-priced T-shirts. I do not do such undignified things as involve myself in the "Christmas crush" but I did saunter in and have a ruffle through some bargains. I found myself some lovely oven mitts, just right for when I do my baking and like to keep my paws clean and pure, and a black parasol with white trimming. This is the penguin parasol you knows! Penguin coolours, and very dainty and proper! It will keeps the sun out in the suny days and the rain off in the rainy days and just right when I am out on my charity collecting and converting missions.
So I was very pleased with my purchases.
However, today, and even more so yesterday, there was not nearly as many souls in sight. And you knows why?
No, it was not because the sales has all disappeared. There was many a bargain sock and a lacy parasol to be found, not to mention all those bargain rolls of Christmas wrappings and Santa teddies to be going for cheap (I scooped several; they will do for next Christmas). And there was stores open on New Year's in the City.
It was because many a potential shopper was writhing in bed because of a HANGOVER.
This is, sadly, because on NYE certain people was out partying til late and drinking far too much. That is the sad state of Aussies today and sadder still, they actually believe they can hold the alcohol. They do not realise they become idiot incomprehensible nincompoops with weak bladders after they down a few drinks. And while for some that is their normal state, for many it is a state induced by ALCOHOL - the evil.
And the hangover is persisting til today.
It is very immoral for them to do so and they shoulds be taught a lesson. I advise all moral peoples to teach such disgusting revellers a lesson. Go to your stores sober after New Year's Eve and scoop all the good bargains and leave signs saying HA HA HA GOT HERE BEFORE YOU DRUNK as you buy it. Serves them right and perhaps they will sober up!
Friday, 21 December 2007
The Virgin Mary
It is that time of year - Christmas. And we should reflect on the true meaning of Christmas. And the messages we should gain from it.
There are some who think it is all about Santas and presents. Now that is not true at all. While I is a bit partial to a choccie Santa that is not what you should take away from Christmas as its true meaning. You can eat the choccie Santa and not get any meaning at all. In fact that is how it is most often done.
The Number one most important message you should get is not about the consumerism but about the birth of Jesus Christ.
Now there will be some people who will come up to you and want to go on about the gifts of gold, frankenstein and myrrh. Forget it, that is actually all product placement. Again it is all about presents, though nicely disguised with some wise men and a barn to make the message more holy sounding instead of a drunken uncle at a family get-together or an Office Kris Kringle. That is not what Christmas is mostly about, though it do come in sideways.
The main message is about the Virgin Birth.
That is the most important thing about Christmas.
Mary, she is the most moral of beings. Virginity should be aspired to by all. Not only did Mary keep her pants on tightly up til marriage and birth, but even til AFTER BIRTH. Now that is something women should aspire to though not any has accomplished it since that has been widely recorded.
But if she can, I thinks someone else could try if they set their minds to it hard enough. It would not be easy but definitely a goal worth trying for.
She is an inspiration and a role model for all women.
Think of her this Christmas.
Sunday, 16 December 2007
Prude: How the Sex Obsessed Culture Damages Young Girls
Prude has got some more followers! Peoples who is championing her cause! I is very happy to say, that while it has taken years to do it, it is very well worth the efforts.
I present to you Ms Carol Platt Liebau's book Prude: How the Sex Obsessed Culture Damages Young Girls .
It fight the good fight against promiscuity and sexual aggression. And best of all it pour scorn on disgusting creatures from the garbage dump, Nicole Richie and Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.
And it show pole dancing for what it is, an immoral act. Some people has just been saying "Go pole dancing it is good exercise."
Well it is much better exercise to do penguin dancing and then you is not doing something immoral such as prancing about a giant phallic symbol, is you?
The more Prude Recruits the better, and I is glad to have some more on board! What a nice way to be drawing the year to a close!
I present to you Ms Carol Platt Liebau's book Prude: How the Sex Obsessed Culture Damages Young Girls .
It fight the good fight against promiscuity and sexual aggression. And best of all it pour scorn on disgusting creatures from the garbage dump, Nicole Richie and Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.
And it show pole dancing for what it is, an immoral act. Some people has just been saying "Go pole dancing it is good exercise."
Well it is much better exercise to do penguin dancing and then you is not doing something immoral such as prancing about a giant phallic symbol, is you?
The more Prude Recruits the better, and I is glad to have some more on board! What a nice way to be drawing the year to a close!
Thursday, 13 December 2007
Undies or Not Undies? That is my Question.
Now we have a scandal of huge political proportions. Maxine McKew has barely been declared officially in when someone has caught her with her pants down.
Or at least they thinks they has.
The incriminating picture* I is posting has been shown around, and it has been slammed by some as being very offensive and raunchy, showing lots of leg. I cannot deny this. Maxine should have been a bit more modest I thinks. Do you see Mr Howard strutting off his legs in such a casual manner? I thinks not. And he should know the protocol if anyone should; he has been around this place for over a decade.
But it has been said that from a certain angle it looks like Maxine has no undies on! In a very Sharon Stone, Basic Instinct manner. Now this would be disgusting in the extreme. I has stared at the photo a great deal and so has Mr Jumbles but we cannot see no undies. On the other hand if there was no undies we could not see them so we has a bit of a conundrum here, hasn't we?
Still, I has my spies out. We shall see if it is a scandal or not. There shall be much staring up the skirt in order to make sure whether the pants are on or off. It is our duty to ensure the morality of the politicians!
*Well the incriminating picture was front on. But it was in the same place with the same dress on and that is what matters. And she sat next to John Howard as well.
Penguins Go Vege!
I has always liked a good eggplant. And I must say ... these is VERY GOOD eggplants.
Saturday, 8 December 2007
Would you face the Penguin Panel?
Now I has exciting news for those who has a computer or a video camera. Actually both. A panel of penguins is to be giving away $5000 in a competition where you create a film clip for them to market a book, called "A Fraction of the Whole" and the best clip gets the money.
Naturally you can give away the money to any charity you choose. That is FREE CHOICE hmm hmm
But loyalty to those who has told you about the competition karma karma karma karma
Anyhow I think it is a wonderful idea to think about how you measure up to penguin standards. There is bits about the book on the competition website and I thinks a good penguin lover could make a book promotion that the Penguins would think connects really with their values. That is what it is all about. Naturally I should expect it have good strong themes in it which promote Penguin-y values. I has the faith. I expects good things (I is rattling my penguin charity tin right now.) - go forth and conquer in the name of Prude's Mission!
Naturally you can give away the money to any charity you choose. That is FREE CHOICE hmm hmm
But loyalty to those who has told you about the competition karma karma karma karma
Anyhow I think it is a wonderful idea to think about how you measure up to penguin standards. There is bits about the book on the competition website and I thinks a good penguin lover could make a book promotion that the Penguins would think connects really with their values. That is what it is all about. Naturally I should expect it have good strong themes in it which promote Penguin-y values. I has the faith. I expects good things (I is rattling my penguin charity tin right now.) - go forth and conquer in the name of Prude's Mission!
Tuesday, 4 December 2007
Unadvised Names for Infant Minds
TimT has made a list of Suggested Names For Satanist Children and him being a great blog friend of mine I is honoured to say - or at least we post an each other's blogs from time to time which is what the internet come to these days in regard to friendship or even less when it come to Facebook - I is sure he do not mind too much my adapting his idea for a Prudey Post.
After all it is not at all as bad as what politicians do - both in terms of friendship and stealing ideas.
His post got me thinking about what disgusting names would be to call your child, if you is a Prude. Of course Prude is a fine name. So Is Mr Jumbles. And Squawk. My Father was descended of the great Prudes, we has a heritage, Prudus Nobilius, it go right back into history, it is a fine distinguished name.
But in fact it is more important to know of improper names, that you may avoid them, like cracks in the pavement, ticking time bombs, or people who try to get you to buy credit cards in the street.
I has compiled a list of some names off the top of my head I can think of as the most perilous. It is only a beginner's list.
Unprude
Wayward
Slut
Easy
Beergut
French Fries
Burger Boy
Schooner
Immoral
Lube
Hangover
Lecherer
Paedophile
Gay
Dick
Randy
Fanny
Ginger Spice
Parsley Lynn
John Howard
After all it is not at all as bad as what politicians do - both in terms of friendship and stealing ideas.
His post got me thinking about what disgusting names would be to call your child, if you is a Prude. Of course Prude is a fine name. So Is Mr Jumbles. And Squawk. My Father was descended of the great Prudes, we has a heritage, Prudus Nobilius, it go right back into history, it is a fine distinguished name.
But in fact it is more important to know of improper names, that you may avoid them, like cracks in the pavement, ticking time bombs, or people who try to get you to buy credit cards in the street.
I has compiled a list of some names off the top of my head I can think of as the most perilous. It is only a beginner's list.
Unprude
Wayward
Slut
Easy
Beergut
French Fries
Burger Boy
Schooner
Immoral
Lube
Hangover
Lecherer
Paedophile
Gay
Dick
Randy
Fanny
Ginger Spice
Parsley Lynn
John Howard
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