The Last ... Thing Mr Cruise Should have picked from the Samurai Wardrobe

Hmmm. I has had some mixed thoughts on Tom Cruise. He has nice white teeth, which indicate good dental hygiene and that I like. He flirt with buxom lady in Top Gun, that I frown upon as a good Prude does. He has a strong purpose in Scientology which I relate to even if mine is in Prude Activism. He made a movie called Cocktail which has a questionable title never mind about the content. I mean, really, disregard the content. Really.

But he really lost my respect mostly when I watch The Last Samurai. It was going not too badly even though there were not the requisite penguins which usually make a Holly hit nowadays, as directors seem to have twigged, but Japanese warriors seemed to have been their substitute. Then near the end Tom Cruise tries out some samurai moves which he is not that good at, but worse still he put on a dress.

Now a robe look appropriate on the monk.

On Tom Cruise it look like he is a drag queen. It was also bunched up round the waist and bellowed out - the real muffin top look. Oh horror of horrors.

Some men like Scots bagpipers can pull off a skirt. Hmmm, how did that read? I mean they can wear one and while some giggle at Scots bagpipers it is somewhat respectable.

Tom Cruise, he just look wrong.

What is really sad about this is I hear he is a father. This is a man he will be passing certain wardrobe fashions down to the next generation. I say there ought to be standardised tests for parents. Them who do this should be sterilised.

Prude Meets Someone 'Different'

Prude is walking down along the street on day when she meets someone who chats to her, again trying to gain her attention, and no, this time it were not one of those Elders. However, he is definitely someone different. Prudey was just acting like a normal sensible citizen, minding her own business, walking down the street inconspicuously in a penguin suit with chastity belt rattling underneath, like any other normal chaste good citizen would be doing, a little bit of a penguin dance step in her toe.

And then this rather strange individual walk by her side. He at first do not look too odd. He look just like many of the unfortunately unfashionable and not-very-intelligent loooking men that one see on the street nowadays i.e. very average. He has a stupid haircut, baggy T-shirt, ill-fitting shorts and they is faded and old, and a goofy smile on his face. I think "idiot alert" but that is what I is thinking when I is meeting over 90% of the population nowadays. The other 9.9% or so I is most often thinking something worse.

The conversation go something like this:

IDIOT: Do you have the time?

PRUDE: Sorry I do not. The penguin suit go over the wrist and not many watches can go over the large comfy texture of the penguin suit. However I do not see this as a major disadvantage.

IDIOT: I like to know the time because I need to go to my dance lessons - cha cha cha. cha cha cha. cha cha cha.

PRUDE: Your enthusiasm is admirable, However your rhythm and moves not so. I thinks you would be much improved by learning the penguin dance, and devoting more time to solid exercise routine as I do, it is a much more noble dance ...

IDIOT: Do you think I'm sexy?

PRUDE: [pause in shock, but not for long.] You outrageous disgusting lowlife! I shall report you to the Prude Reformers' Society! I shall file a complaint! Prude have never been so insulted in her life! This is what I think is known as a ... pick up ... it is only used on loooooooooose women ... I is not one of those ... I is wearing a chastity belt can you not hear it?!

IDIOT: Because my boyfriend thinks I am.

PRUDE: [more pauses in shock] Ugh! You is one of those! THOSE THINGS!

IDIOT: I used to do the modelling, you know?

PRUDE: You? You is just wearing some disgusting T-shirt! You is not even wearing a nicely pressed penguin suit!

IDIOT: I like the bikini, you know?

PRUDE: Hmmm. You is needing serious moral help. You ought to read an instructional article about the immorality of the bikini . But you is a man! Oh this is more ...

IDIOT: I like getting dressed up, I like the hair, and the make up and the high heels and the hand-bag you know?

PRUDE: It is not often prudey thinks of someone as beyond help. But perhaps you is it. You is putting pictures in Prude's mind she does not wish to see. Oh help cleanse my mind please ....

IDIOT: I'm going to go to the beach after my dance lesson. With four girls. I'm the only guy, but I like to think of myself as one of the girls.

PRUDE: I is feeling faint.

IDIOT: It's good to be different, don't you think?

PRUDE: It is good to be different from Burger Boy. It is good to be different from Michael Jackson, It is good to be different from Paris Hilton. It is especially good to be different from you. However .... I fear you is the wrong kind of different.

I would have fainted right there and then had I not thought there may be a chance he might catch me and I might be touched by one of THOSE people!

I saved my fainting for when he jogged round the corner to his cha cha cha class.