Thursday, 24 January 2008

"Sex Scenes Are A Pain"

It is on the record that sex all the time is not that much fun - well I think people should take notice!

Promiscuity is not only not a virtue but it is not so much so called "fun"!

Prudism is definitely the way to go!

Wednesday, 23 January 2008

How to Compliment a Prude

Dear R.H.

I is sure R.H. is a very nice blogger. Well, I thinks is. Perhaps I should not be counting my feet before they is hatched, or I could be putting my eggs in my mouth. Or something likes that. Anyhow, R.H. seem like a very nice blogger so far, but he say to me recently "Sexy Prude".


Now, there is some women out there who would relish such a saying, and that is why some people like R.H. seem to say these such things often, I is thinking. However they is not a proper way to compliment a Prude, and since I is on a mission to convert the whole world to Prudism, soon they will be inappropriate to be used anywhere so I feel it is my duty to educate the youth of today and indeed all people today (but especially the youth for the children are the future) as to the proper way of the compliment.

Rule No. 1.

A Compliment Should Never Refer to Sexy, unless to Refer to Virtue of Unsexy


Sexy Prude is not a Compliment
However: Prude you is Chaste
or Prude I commend your Abstinence
or Really Unsexy Prude
is all good compliments.

Also, "I wish to have sexy with you, Prude" is a disgusting form of compliment
However: Prude I wish to remain chaste in your presence
Prude you has convinced me to never has sex again
Is all great compliments

Rule No. 2

Compliments referring to the Penguin Nature or a Appearance of a Person is Good

e.g. Prude you looks just like a Penguin today, I has never seen you look more Penguin before, etc.

Rule No. 3

Certain Words is More Appropriate than Others in Compliments

Words to avoid: Nude, Sexy, Promicuous, Naughty, Salacious, Undignified, Dirty, Filthy, Perverted, Dishonourable, Revealing, Boobs

Words to use: Penguin, Noble, Dignified, Chaste, Prude, Pure

I hopes this gives you some guidelines, and these is put to good use.

What Prude Did on Penguin Awareness Day

It was Penguin Awareness Day , on January Twentieth,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,
That was until Prudey jumped up and got ready,
Put on her Penguin Suit (over chastity belt), and left the house.

Mr Jumbles was ready,
With Squawk our great friend,
And we celebrated this special day,
From beginning to end.

Yes, Penguin Awareness Day was on January Twentieth. It was a great day to learn much about penguins, to adopt a penguin, to spot a penguin, and to get in touch with your inner penguin. Naturally I sees Mr Jumbles and Squawk quite often - ok Mr Jumbles a tad more often however Squawk is fast growing a loyal and frequent companion. However on a special day like Penguin Awareness Day I went out of my way to see them in a special light. I naturally dressed up in my very best Penguin Suit.

We took out our Penguin Charity Tins and one thing we did early in the morning was a very interesting penguin dance routine which we had been working on as a trio. It involve some of the more complex and joyful penguin movements and I regard it as a work of art. It really let my inner penguin out, and perhaps you saw us, if you is from Sydney? Perhaps you is one of those nice peoples who gives us money for the Adopt a Penguin Program or the Penguin Humane Fund? I thinks you is a very good person, thank yous.

We then had a picnic in the park, to get more in touch with nature, and I had much deep and meaningful chatter with my penguin friends. You understand more what is going on in their penguin hearts then and I felt so in touch with penguin feelings then. I was so truly touched.

We told penguin tales all night and watched March of the Penguins DVD too. I tells you, it was a good day ... and a good night.

Wednesday, 9 January 2008

P&O = Perverts and Oglers

P&O has brought disgrace to its name once again with the latest in scandals. But then what else do you expect from a cruise ship which runs such filthy ads with the slogan "SEAMEN WANTED" and a picture of slutty women lazing about on board? I think it is very much provocative and they is showing off bad values.

If anyone is wanting a good time, a really good time, they would not be boarding on one of these ships, because these ships is giving you an assaulting and insulting time. Why peoples buy into them, I do not know. They jump aboard and then cry when they is had sex with. It is like jumping on glass and crying that you has been bleeding.

I thinks the only reason one should jump aboard a P&O ship is to pull it apart and shout hurrah! It is a hull of decrepit and nasty behaviour. What with rapists and paedophiles lurking in every hatch, or so the newspapers report it, it seem.

A PrudeCruise would never allow such activities to take place. Activities would include guided tours and penguin spotting and organised penguin dances and marches, and all staff would personally check that chastity belts were in place for extra protection of passengers. It would be our insurance policy. It is a pity P&O do not follow some basic Prude guidelines like that, and instead of having a drunken raving defiled mob they could have an ordered group with healthy, pure clean prudey fun.

There is some who would say "What, no alcohol, no sex, that's no fun?" but if you was Diane Brimble would you say I would like to be watching a Penguin Play with my chastity belt on alive, or be raped and drugged and dead by boozed up fools - I ask you? It is obvious sex and alcohol lead to no good, especially at high seas - I think it has soething to do with the rollicking sway but I has not done my scientific investigation into it.

P.S. If anyone would like to take part in a Prude investigation in how high seas affect people's stupidity I is happy to talk to prospective volunteers. It is something I may be looking at. Some will be allowed to booze and have sex a lot, others to wear chastity belts and watch penguins. All will be taken on a cruise. Prude will observe their behaviour closely and take notes.

Friday, 4 January 2008

The Return of the Sexy Underwear - Not!

Now that it is early in the New Year, this is the time when people are doing two things - buying heaps of cheap bargains because they didn't get whats they wanted for Christmas, and trying to return lots of unwanted presents, because they didn't gets what they wanted for Christmas.

Prude was certain peoples knows what type of person she is, and would buy ethically and appropriately for her. After all she explain it clear enough on her blog and explain it loud enough in the street. WHat do she need extra, a megaphone? In fact perhaps one of those may have come in handy, but no one bought one for her this Christmas. Strange.

However, someone DID buy her something rather inappropriate.

She pull off the shiny paper on Christmas and horror of horrors she receive a most shocking gift and she nearly faint. It is a pity no one get her smelling salts this year. She may have to request them next year in case a disaster like this happen again.

It was, of all filths - SEXY UNDERWEAR!

Prude would not be caught dead in sexy underwear. That has been a direct order, given to those in charge of funeral direction. She most certainly would not be caught alive in such frivolous immoral stuff. That stuff belong on Britney Spears - when she remember to wear them.

So of course Prude took them back to the store for exchange, though it cause her some embarrassment to be in such a store and to have to pull such immoral stuff from a plastic bag. I tell you, I feel soiled doing such a thing.

I say, "Someone bought your immoral filth thinking I would inhabit such a thing. I wish not to be associated with you or your product. I wish to have my moneys back please."

I think I said it in a very polite and dignified way.

The saleswoman say, "Hmmm, it is our policy not to refund for lingerie."


"Look at the sign. You cannot refund for swimwear or lingerie. It is policy."

"But why? I do not want to be any part of your disgusting industry!"

"It is for hygiene purposes. Now if it were a jacket or scarf, perhaps ..."

"But it is taking great advantage! Swimwear and lingerie are your most immoral products! youse wish to palm them off and say no take back? And what is this about hygiene? Is you saying I is dirty? You is the dirty filthy ones! You is the one palming off these skimpy little .... things!"

"I has told you our policy. We cannot refund for hygiene reasons"

"I has never worn them! They has never touched my skin! Even if I had worn them I has a chastity belt on which would make it very hygienic! What is this twaddle you is palming off to me! I demand my money back!"

"I cannot."

She was like a robot. She cannot say anything but policy, policy, policy. She has no compassion or understanding for my plight. In the end I takes the skimpy things and I say to her, "Then YOUSE have it, you obviously immoral person! They would suit YOU very well!"

Funnily enough she look quite pleased.

Wednesday, 2 January 2008

Down with Drunks!

It is 2008 now and today I was about town.

Straight after Christmas there was an attack on stores, with everyone grabbing their hands on cheap TVs and linen sets and silly-priced T-shirts. I do not do such undignified things as involve myself in the "Christmas crush" but I did saunter in and have a ruffle through some bargains. I found myself some lovely oven mitts, just right for when I do my baking and like to keep my paws clean and pure, and a black parasol with white trimming. This is the penguin parasol you knows! Penguin coolours, and very dainty and proper! It will keeps the sun out in the suny days and the rain off in the rainy days and just right when I am out on my charity collecting and converting missions.

So I was very pleased with my purchases.

However, today, and even more so yesterday, there was not nearly as many souls in sight. And you knows why?

No, it was not because the sales has all disappeared. There was many a bargain sock and a lacy parasol to be found, not to mention all those bargain rolls of Christmas wrappings and Santa teddies to be going for cheap (I scooped several; they will do for next Christmas). And there was stores open on New Year's in the City.

It was because many a potential shopper was writhing in bed because of a HANGOVER.

This is, sadly, because on NYE certain people was out partying til late and drinking far too much. That is the sad state of Aussies today and sadder still, they actually believe they can hold the alcohol. They do not realise they become idiot incomprehensible nincompoops with weak bladders after they down a few drinks. And while for some that is their normal state, for many it is a state induced by ALCOHOL - the evil.

And the hangover is persisting til today.

It is very immoral for them to do so and they shoulds be taught a lesson. I advise all moral peoples to teach such disgusting revellers a lesson. Go to your stores sober after New Year's Eve and scoop all the good bargains and leave signs saying HA HA HA GOT HERE BEFORE YOU DRUNK as you buy it. Serves them right and perhaps they will sober up!