Tuesday, 27 March 2007

Prudey Penguin Politics

Aaaah! The election is over and I had not seen one candidate standing for good strong prudey values. In fact I had not seen one candidate standing for anything much. If Mr Jumbles was a politician, I would have voted for him, but he could not be a politician.

"Prude," he say to me, "Nowadays, being a politician is undignified. It is also unchaste!"

He is right of course. Look at Bill Clinton and Pauline Hanson. Whatever happened to the days when the most bad thing you could do in politics was chop off a few heads? Now it is bedding whoever knows who and dirtying your moral character. It is disgusting. No wonder penguins do not stand for election.

Now, a Senator wrote to me recently, touting some moral standpoint (ha! These are usually the first to crumble. Apart from prude, few can held onto their morals in the face of public opposition and the temptation of great powers, like this blog give me!)

He write (this is Senator Steve Fielding of Family First) that this is one of his aims:

No one in government is responsible for TV ads. It appears no one in the Howard Government is responsible for what our kids see on TV. Recently FAMILY FIRST quizzed Ministers trying to find out who is responsible for TV advertising and standards. Raunchy evening TV ads promote phone sex, dating services and lewd mobile phone screensavers and FAMILY FIRST wants to know how such smut and filth is allowed.

Hmmm, Mr Fielding has admirable intentions however he goes not far enough.

Prude's agenda for TV standards:

It is not enough to just know who is responsible and find out what is allowed. Who care how much is allowed, just get this gross disgusting filth off our screens. This is like instead of vacuuming your floor you ask the carpet how much dust it allows. Instead whoever is responsible should be sentenced to ten years of listening to karaoke, that should fix him/her.

Then there should also be some good shows on about the majesty of penguins and a morning show on penguin dance limber-up exercises. It would improve society no end.

No wonder elections are a waste of time.

Wednesday, 21 March 2007

Egg On A Stick

Now Blogger Lexicon Harlot felt a bit queasy about my recipe forbrussel sprouts, tofu and boiled eggs kebabs. I cannot say I entirely blame her, even though I am partial to boiled egg myself. They taste nice. Also they is nice and white and whiteness is pure, just like milk. It remind me of the world before it turned naughty.

However, it remind certain others of different things. My lovely friend say to me, "They is chicken's periods" and when you think about it like this, the egg on a stick I proposed to Alexis has some unfortunate sexual connotations. I suppose this is just for some people who has dirty minds. Prude tries not to think of sexual connotations of food and just swallows it down.

But they is everywhere. And everyone seems to be trying to remind me of them.

Whatever happened to that roast dinner when the little dutch carrot was sitting next to the potato in the tray? Now people start telling me the little dutch carrot is feeling inadequate. Oh I mourn for innocent times when a carrot and a potato roast was a wholesome family meal!

Sausages and eggs for breakfast can no longer be thought of the same way again. Especially when that sausage peek out from between two little roasted onions ...

I is thinking these thoughts of food and the lascivious world when I comes across Burger Boy - eating again.

"What is that you is eating, Burger Boy?" I ask.

"Egg roll," he say, grinning rudely, and chomps into a rather large French stick.

I is feeling giddy.

Tuesday, 20 March 2007

The Proud History Of The Chastity Belt

It has come to my attention that some have made fun of me because I wears a chastity belt. Now this is completely unwarranted and is in fact quite ignorant as the chastity belt has a very dignified history.

Just as Prude has a dignified history. For the edification of naysayers:

Early Days

Some thinks that chastity belts was first worn by loose women, i.e. low class medieval women. They thinks of farmers and serfs with low class women with loose hair and loose morals who cannot be controlled. The farmer goes working out in the fields all day and they pin the chastity belt on some trashy woman.

In fact the chastity belt was not used like that at all. It was used mostly by rich high class people so it symbolises upper class and wealth. It was more a Renaissassance period thing anyhow.

Loose Women?

Some says to me, "Prude, if you think you is so good and moral, why do you wear a chastity belt, I thought this was for LOOSE WOMEN!" Then they snigger in an effort to degrade me, as if such ignorant people could turn Prude away from her mission!

The chastity belt for me is many things, importantly it is a symbolic reference to chastity. I know I is a role model to the many who has strayed from the path of righteousness. They looks up to me. I must lead the way. I must use SYMBOLS to show my purity overtly for them.

Secondly, while I is moral, not all others is. In a perfect world, for instance, a PENGUIN HEAVEN, there would be no need for chastity belts, everyone would be asexual, free from constraints, and have no sexual thoughts but have no need for belts either. We would not have sex but not need to wear the belt either.

However in this lewd world of us sadly not all is as moral as Mr Jumbles and myself. (Mr Jumbles nods sagely at this time.) The chastity belt is not so much to stop me from resisting the temptation of urges, as I have not lewd urges and I have dignity and self-control and morals. However it stops others from getting in!

It is a sad society when we has to use a lock and key to stop the evils from getting in but I assure you - that is what kind of degenerate world we is coming to.

Personal Hygiene

Some thinks that a chastity belt is not very hygienic. I assure you this is not the case. Just like your underwear, it is all in how you care for it and maintain it, and how it is made in the first place. Prude is very careful of personal hygiene. We is in the age of technology not in the dark ages!

The Age Of Technology

I has pointed out that a song has been written telling prudes to Shake Rattle And Roll their chastity belts, and I say I do so with pride. We must identify ourselves as of The Chastity Belt Wearer Union, those of the Belted Up Group (BUGgers, we are). I is expecting to see great innovations in Chastity Belt technology rapidly developing in this century. You can already shake and rattle in them, and they is already very clean and convenient and comfortable. I is expecting the ability to play chess with them, have a drink-and-biscuit dispenser in them for afternoon tea, and an internet connection in them soon, and they is supposed to sort my mail and knit my woollens for me.

Further Notes for Chastity Belt Wearers

I was rattling my belt loudly in the burger shop recently. Do not be put off by the nasty looks of patrons. They is not understanding of your mission.

Burger Boy was nearby, he says to me, "What is that noise, Prude?"

I says, "Burger Boy, it is my chastity belt!"

He says, "Kinky!"

It is good that he is interested, but sometimes I think my efforts to reform the boy are somewhat wasted.

Friday, 16 March 2007

Blush at the Godlessness

Vanity is immoral. But it pervade the Earth anyhow.

The immoral painting of faces so people looks like whores has gone so far, even angels swallow it.

Prudes, unite and resist such exhibitionism.

Thursday, 15 March 2007

Why Don't Penguins' Feet Freeze?

Penguins' Feet Do Not Freeze Because: (a stupid question I feel compelled to answer)

1. They do the penguin dance each morning as their limber up exercise. This keep the blood flowing to their feet and keep them nice and warm.

2. It is hell that freeze over, not heaven, and penguins is good moral creatures that do not go to hell.

3. Penguins is not stupid they is wise creatures. They wear their woollens and they remember their feet. Not like certain species who forget things all the time - their woollens, their morals, they is quite loose with them all.

4. Penguins do not have casual sex, so they do not wake up the next morning finding some strange penguin next to them has stolen the blankets and pulled them off their feet. They tucks themselves in tight each night and that is the way they stays. The advantage of chastity. Among many.

5. Penguins do not sleep in the freezer. They has special penguin-beds. Mr Jumbles will attest to that.

Mr Jumbles say: That is true, Prude.

I trust I has disseminated great penguin knowledge to all and sundry today.

Friday, 9 March 2007


A chastity belt is a fine moral piece of wear, however I would just like to report that it is not a comfortable piece to be wearing when a Prude falls from a float into a crowd and is somewhat laid up and bandaged. Hmmm. The chaffing factor in certain areas. What protects at some times, also becomes thine enemy. Or something I think like that. Anyhow it sound good and somewhat dignified.

Prude goes through a lot for her mission. It is a pity not all appreciate this.

Tuesday, 6 March 2007

Shock! At The Immoral Mardi Gras

There is a very true saying that it is a disgusting thought, the thought of your parents shagging. Well actually Prude is disgusted at the thought of ANYONE shagging but this includes parents too so it is the same thing.

Anyhow Prude has been away from blogging for a few days because she has been recovering from shock and indignation at something most disgusting. She will tell her tale. And she trusts her readers have been in the good care of Mr Jumbles while she has been recovering.

On the weekend a most immoral event was taking place - that of the Sydney Gay And Lesbian Mardi Gras. Why oh Why do people who is already indulging in immoral acts need to flaunt them in our faces - they ought to be in their houses asamed of themselves thinking over their sins and repenting and trying to find the good path. Instead they dress up in bright costumes (sadly not penguin suits and collecting for charity) and jump about on floats and has loud music.

What is more disgusting is the government actually encourage this.

Well Prude does not.

Prude is going to protest, most loudly.

She is getting into her penguin suit and has her megaphone, and she is tottering down to the parade, her chastity belt rattling. Some drunken people say something about great costume but I ignores them for they is being sarcastic I think. Anyhow you should not pay attention to drunks.

I jumps into the parade and onto a tall float and start calling out.

"THIS IS AN IMMORAL DISPLAY! SEX IS A SIN!" Except I did not get that far because I looks out into the crowd and what do I see?


They is in the crowd of onlookers shouting and wacving sparklers and watching the floats! They is supporting this abomination!

If there is something worse than your parents shagging it is your parents supporting homosexuality!

I do not remember much more except a choking feeling and my head spinning and some bright lights. I think I fet like my head crashed. I tried to call out "Don't touch me sinners Chastity will prevail and I will be saved" but it came out like a gargle.

Anyhow I is now wearing lots of bandages.

All I can say is lucky I was wearing a strong penguin suit it broke my fall. Did I not say something about Autumn being a time for the Fall?

Penguin suits are useful, invest in one.

Thursday, 1 March 2007

Autumn, Prudeness and The Fall

Happy Autumn everyone! However, I warn you, BE WARNED. This is a season where you must watch out and hold on tightly to your chastity belts.

In the United States Autumn is called Fall.

This is very ominous I think. It is a season warning you may be susceptible to falling. That is to temptation. What does the Fall mean? It means falling to evil.

Now I do not wish to go into details to give you bad ideas but girls this means not to let boys lead you into their sexual hanky-pankies. That would be falling into badness and you would be wandering around like a loose autumn leaf from a tree, blowing about in the wind. And being loose is never an admirable female attribute. "Oh that woman is loose." You do not want that said about you. It is not a compliment.

Prude give out her warning right here at the beginning of Autumn and hope you follow it for the season and maintain your dignity. Do her proud. Remain a prude.

Mr Jumbles say: Prude, you speak wise words