Richard Gere is a Dick

Morality is not exactly something we associate with movie stars, with the exception of perhaps the lead penguins in Happy Feet and March Of The Penguins.

However I digress because Richard Gere is not a penguin. This is both a good thing and a bad thing. It is a good thing because if he were he would be a disgrace to the penguin name (mr Jumbles nods vigorously here) but it is a bad thing because if he were one he would not have conducted himself in such a disgusting manner in the first place, anyhow.

I is referring of course to the now world famous OBSCENE KISS which has been heard about all over and may now land Richard Gere in gaol.

He was pashing Shilpa Shetty. Oh yes, that is her real last name, I is not making it up and it is quite rightly a downright dirty-sounding one. She has been quite tarnished.

He may now face gaol. And quite right too. Someone ought to be made an example of. It is a pity they ought not all go to gaol, people who outrage those who have some sense of dignity and do not make overt signs of affection. Like Prude here.

I has always advocated dignity and said quite strongly NO INTIMACY IN PUBLIC. A very strong objection to the John-Howard-holding-hands-with-Janette in public debacle was fully supported by myself.

Gere has joined the ranks of these people who has similarly shown affection in public and has not restrained his feelings. Such animals must be stopped. It is disgusting. It is immoral.

They should all be forced to take lessons from Prude. Gere say he support AIDS awareness, but just say he passes on some nasties by his uncontrollable passions? It seems he is a hypocrite. If you is against sexually transmittable diseases you should observe all restraint, from the start. Hands off I say.

There's no pleasing some people ...

We should all perform public services. Sometimes in this immoral world of ours people think only of how they can please themselves without thinking of the common good.

Prude is a shining example of how people can give back to the community. No no, it is not just how she shine a great moral light by collecting money for charity and promoting the penguin dance for all (though this is highly appreciated I am sure by many).

It is little acts that count, and you too can learn.

For instance, Prude was walking in the city recently, collecting for charity, where a doddery old lady who was clearly past it was attempting to hail a taxi, with not much success. They ignore her.

"Little Old Lady, they is ignoring you because you is small and slow," I point out. "Let me help."

"Hmmm, I is usually able to get a cab," she say. "They see me fine."

"It is probably because you have shrivelled even smaller lately. That happens at your age. Faster and faster."

"It is probably a bad day for taxis."

"I think it is because you is slow on your feet to run for them, too," I says.

I try a few times and I hails her a taxi. They see me quite clearly and Little Old Lady struggle in.

"Where you wanna go?" say the taxi driver.

"It is not for me, it is for the Little Old Lady," I explain. "WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?" I ask, as everyone know you get hard of hearing when you is old.

"I is not deaf," reply Little Old Lady, indignantly.

"See it is not a bad day for taxis. I has got you a taxi."

"Eventually," she say, a bit sarcastic and ungrateful I think. "Mostly I think it is that they notice your rather strange and ridiculous penguin suit!"

How dare she mock my penguin suit! After what I has done for her! I would retort back, but I respect my elders. Otherwise, there may have been a very undignified scuffle!

Respect Your Elder

Prude was walking through Hyde Park recently. She dodged the charity collector for AIDS who is always there. Prude does not like giving to AIDS charities; she has read about AIDS. It seems from her pamphlet reading which she think is the best source of accurate information, many of those who call themselves AIDS victims has been loose about sex or drugs or has even worse - been homosexual. And that is something Prude do not support, so she support different charities instead. She is a great charity giver and collector, as her avid readers know.

She is also a great lover of nature, and brisk walks, which is why she walk through Hyde Park. It is this day when a nice man in a suit - not quite a penguin suit but he is getting there - stop her and say politely:

"Hello. I am Elder Spina. How are you today?"

"I is good, how is you," Prude replies. Prude says this nicely as Prude is a well-brought up female. She respects her elder.

"I am well thank you."

"I respect my Elder, however I do not think much of Spinners. I is a direct and honest type. I think that is virtuous," I say.

"Hmmm," say Elder Spina. "I am Elder Spina but I am not a Spinner. I speak honestly."

"Is you saying you is disowning and dishonouring your family?" I ask. Prude is getting suspicious and beginning to learn respect. A pity as he seemed a well dressed and potentially, easily, convertible man. I was thinking about how he could well be a spokesperson for my mission.

"No, I am called Spina, but I am not as I appear, I mean, I mean, I talk truly, but I honour the Spinas, yet I do not think highly of Spinners, just like you, that is what I mean."

"Hmmm," Prude is thinking this fellow may be in need of psychological assessment. "I is called Prude and I is prude. I think you may need help."

He is mumbling something about the Lord or about "Oh Lord" but I thinks he needs serious counselling. Unfortunately it is not my specialist area, but in recommending this to him I feel I has done my bit and now it is up to him to put his foot upon the path to see the light.

Perhaps when he is healed I shall come back to the Park and convert him. I see potential. He was reaching out!

Prude Loses Her Virginity

Did I not say Autumn related to The Fall?

Alas, alas!

I has not been having a good feeling in my stomach since the incident, but Prude believe in the Truth, and the tale must be told for the edification and warning of her readers. It involve Prude and Burger Boy. I am glad to say Mr Jumbles were not also involved. Prude may no longer be perfect, but she is not that depraved. Also, Mr Jumbles has never been THAT way. And Burger Boy only ever thought of penguins as in penguin meat for his burgers (I is sorry to have not reported any progress in that area).

I was about the Burger Area when I is talking to Burger Boy.

"Do you know how important chastity is and fighting the cause for penguins is?" I ask, for about the millionth time that evening. He look at me with what I think is suddenly a look of enlightenment - at least, his eyes have a gleam in it.

"Hmmm," he say. "Prude, I has something for you. It is actually in my apartment."

"A cheque for a penguin charity?" I ask, "Oh yes, Burger Boy, I has converted you at last!"

"Come along and fetch it," he says.

I trots along after him and we is in his apartment, which is very messy just like many young boys apartments is. "I has to look for the cheque. Here is a glass of milk, have a drink while I look," says Burger Boy.

A glass of milk is my favourite drink as readers know and I cannot resist. I drink it all up ...

But suddenly my head is spinning. I is feeling red, and dizzy and suddenly I goes black. I think I thumps to the ground.

The next thing I remember is being in the apartment with my penguin suit off and in a little room with my chastity belt cut off with some metal clippers! Oh no! Burger Boy was very wicked!

I shall not go into much detail into the rest except to say I is no longer as pure as the driven snow.

I is feeling a lot of strange feelings now, as I left the Burger Boy's room.

I wants to feel disgust. Sex is disgusting. It is immoral.

Hmmm, but also I wants to remember, when is Burger Boy having lunch at the Burger place again?