Monday, 18 February 2008

Romeo + Juliet: A Prudey Tale Part III

"Pleeeeease!" say Romeo Pontague to his friend the Friar. "You know what it is like to be in love - I thinks. It is not all hearts and flowers. It is about a march of dignity forever with the one who can get your little penguin heart going."

"Very well, I shall do it," say the Friar.

So along comes Juliet and Romeo, all ready to be married.

"Where is Rosaline? Is you not to be married to Rosaline?" asked the Friar.

"No, I is going for Juliet. This is Juliet."

"Hmmm, I thoughts you were in love with Rosaline. You has written lots of poems about her," say the Friar.

"Has you been two-timing me! I is not putting up with that, Romeo Pontague! I is a moral virtuous type!" cried Juliet Captulet. "My chastity belt will not move for you!"

"No, no, I has not! It is a big mistake, the Friar is all mixed up, it is only you!"

Very soon he has placated Juliet and told the Friar they has better not mention Rosaline again and just hurry up and marry them. Soon they is properly married and Romeo promise never to look at another penguin-girl again. Juliet go home and Romeo hurry off, with his eyes averted.

Suddenly he hear a cry, but fortunately a male cry, so it is ok to look.

Unfortunately it is the Captulet cousin, Tybalt, who say, "You makes trouble for all the Captulets, Romeo, and you gatecrashed our fantastic party! I thinks you may has taken a bit of cake too, and it were my favourite type!"

"Not I! I is not liking chocolate cheesecake at all!" stutter Romeo.

"And how did you know it were choc cheesecake? It were hidden under icing! Only if you TASTED it!" roared Tybalt.

"Ummmm ... maybe I smelled it," murmured Romeo. "I has good smelling faculties."

"Smell this!" roar Tybalt, and tweaked his nose!

Romeo felt this a great insult, but he say with some willpower, "I cannot fight you, Tybalt, we is ... a family." Ahh, Juliet, constantly on his mind!

"Fight!" say Tybalt.

"No! say Romeo.

"I will fight for you, Romeo," say Meritutio.

"No, no, no!" say Romeo. But Meritutio think it important and rush forward to give Tybalt's nose a good tweak. Alas, Tybalt get there first, and get both Meritutio's nose and ear a tweak - and snap both off!

Alas! Meritutio is bleeding away fast!

"No, no, what has you done. You has taken away his ear and nose, and he is draining away, say something Meritutio!"

"A plague on both your houses," whisper Meritutio. It is not charitable, but rather poetic.

Romeo get very mad and rush forth and stomp at Tybalt, give him a good slap and tweak, for he is a passionate penguin. Alas Tybalt fall dead too!

"I did not realise I had grown quite this strong so recently!" thought Romeo.

Then he see the Prince of Verona striding up, "I'll have a vanilla .... hey!" say the stately Prince.

Whoops - better dive, think Romeo.

He manage to run out of sight before he is spotted.

5 comments:

Meribah said...

I really enjoyed reading Shakespeare in school, and I am really liking your take on Romeo & Juliet. I await the next installment with baited breath! :D

R.H. said...

I'm told the dead can't sue.
All the same, you're lucky the bard's relatives are croaked as well.

dysthymiac said...

Dear Prude,
that was so nice I am leaving you a fish.
a nice fish.
virtually nice.

not a bait fish like Meribah Dog ate and got bad breath

Bwca said...

I cannot comment on Part II
because I so upset by thought of penguin-burger.

prude said...

Thank you Meribah,

And Dysthymiac, anything fishy, gratefully and baitfully accepted *bow*.

BWCA, I can understand your upset at the thought of penguin burger. Penguin burgers is not edifying to the world at large I is afraid. Purge the Pengy burger!

R.H., as usual, you has sent me optimistic sentiments of my good luck. I has think I read something similar in my horoscope today, but it is lovely of a comrade blogger to confirm it. Thank you and good day to youse too.