Thursday, 21 February 2008

Romeo + Juliet: A Prudey Tale Part IV

The Prince of Verona snapped, "I has had it! That's the straw that broke the caramel's back! And I has not even had a vanilla milkshake yet! I is sick of my milkshake breaks being disturbed! Who is responsible for this? I demands to know!"

He is standing over Tybalt.

"Hmmm, that would be Romeo," murmurs a rather scared looking Captulet.

"Right, I will take away all his milkshake privilages, everywhere, FOREVER! I has the power!"

"But Tybalt killed Meritutio first," pointed out Bestolio.

"Sneak sneak sneak sneak," chanted a nearby Captulet.

"Perhaps I was being unduly harsh," admitted the Prince of Verona. "All right. I shall simply exile Romeo. He is not welcome in Verona ever again."

The news spread fast, and poor Romeo took himself far away, and Juliet locked herself in her room and sobbed.

"She is probably crying because she needs a penguin partner," said her dad. He was trying to help but he did not fully understand the situation, like many fathers. "I know - she can marry Paris! Who does not like Paris?"

"Errgh ... slime ball city!" say Juliet in between her sobs.

"Enough of that, if you do not marry him I shall disown you," say her father.

"I thinks you should marry Paris," say her Nurse. "Romeo is gone now and after all Paris sound so romantic!"

Juliet throw a pillow at her and the Nurse start squawking.

"What shall I do?" thinks Juliet, "If I get stuck with Mr Slime Ball I shall hate it. I shall die of boredom. I will spend the rest of my life wsahing my hair and doing my toenails. I know I will have nothing to talk about. Romeo is the sun and the moon and the stars and Paris is ... hmmm, I don't know what. He do not move me. He do not write cute poetry like Romeo. He do not have a twinkle in his eye or jig to a penguin tune like Romoe. He is nothing. Perhaps he ought to be with a penguin who want nothing but I is not that penguin!"

She is feeling so down she climb out the window and visit the Friar and say, "Is there nothing I can do to prevent the world collapsing - well, my marriage to Paris, which is the same thing?" We is to be married tomorrow!"

"You has already been married once," say the Friar.

"Yes, and it is rather slutty to do it twice in such quick succession. I thinks the tabloids would be having a field day if they only knew. But also I do not wish to be joined to this Paris-man. Can you help me?"

"Hmmm," say the Friar. "Well, I have a drug that could help."

"I is not into drugs," say Juliet.

"Maybe you will be when you has tried this one," say the Friar. "When you takes it, it will make you seem dead. Your family will then not think of making you marry Paris unless he has fetishes I is not aware of. They will mourn you and lay you away in the crypt. Everyone will be thinking you is dead. Over a day later, though, you will wake up - and you will NOT be dead - and you can run off and be with Romeo. Of course, I will send someone to tell Romeo of the plan, so it will be a secret - just between us three."

"Hmmm - sound like the only option I has. I am to be married tomorrow," say Juliet.

"Then here it is - this little bottle. Take it before you go to bed tonight - it's a bit bitter. I will write to Romeo right now."

"Are you sure he will understand you?" ask Juliet.

"My handwriting is very neat," the Friar assured her, handing her the bottle. "Now here you go!"


R.H. said...

People have been carted to nut houses for less than this.

prude said...

What? Taking a bottle?

I don't thinks Juliet will be worrying too much abouts that now, as you will find out in the last instalment.

Wait and find out what Shakespeare and Prudey has cooked up for her then!

Meribah said...

Ruh thinks this is not going to end well. The friar's handwriting looks like chicken scratches to me, so how will poor Romeo be able to read it??? I sense a misunderstanding is coming!

prude said...

The Friar has been trying very hard but it is a sad fact that even when yous try, sometimes it is hard to beat arthritis. However, some people, like Friar, just don't want to admit to the reality of their medical condition.

Whoops, I is giving away the plot.

Romeo is an understanding guy, Meribah. I urge you to have faith. I urge you to keep reading til the end! The ... bitter ... end!