Romeo + Juliet: A Prudey Tale Part V

The Nurse go into Juliet's room very early in the morning, and she look ... dead.

"Oh goodness gracious! She look dead!" The Nurse scream for Juliet's father and mother.

"She must have died of a broken heart," think the Nurse. "It must be my fault. I is sorry now. When I thinks of it, Rome is just as romantic as Paris. Maybe even more so. I should never have said what I did."

"Aiyee! What use is a dead daughter? She cannot marry Paris and I will never get a big wedding in the family! And I had just got the cake ready! It were to be a marble cake too!" shrieked Juliet's mother.

"Quiet," say her husband. "You can always have cake for dessert after we put Juliet in the crypt. And you can have Juliet's slice too. It seem marble cake will be of little use to her now." He sigh. Juliet's mother stop shrieking.

"Let us dress her in something pretty and put her in a nice box. It is the dignified way."

Meanwhile, Romeo is living in Exile. He is not doing so well. He is trying to write a poem about Juliet.

Oh Juliet you is like a sweet song,
I think abouts you all days long
Oh Juliet you is like vanilla ice cream
You is white and pure all through it seem
Oh Juliet you is a noble penguin

And then Romeo is stuck, for he has been thinking for long about a good rhyme for "penguin" that aptly describe his strong feelings for Juliet but he cannot.

"You has mail," say a postie.

He rip open the envelope. It is blotchy and rather wobbly. Something about Romeo ... something ... tell ... you ... was that a J? oh gosh, the Friar is getting worse. It is his arthritis playing up again. And he would never accept the fact that he was really a leftie. Romeo had always tried to convince him he should out himself and just write with his left hand. However the Friar wwas a stubborn man and tried to write with his right hand all his life. Then he got the shakes, too. The result was something that resembled Morse Code except there was no proper pattern to it.

Romeo give up in disgust. Old men would not face up to real life!

He is thinking about this while he bend over his poem to Juliet, when up bounce a penguin friend.

"Romeo, I has terrible news, Juliet is dead! I has run all the way to Exile to tell you!"

"Is you funning me? Because I do not think this is very funny!" say Romeo.

"No, Penguin Honour Bright, she is lying in a crypt and she looks dead as a penguin could be! Her whole family is in mourning!"

Romeo bend over the Friar's letter and he think he can deciphr the word "dead" and a "J" in there. Maybe that was what the Friar was trying to tell him!

"Oh, how can this be? And Juliet will never here the great poem I was writing for her! It was to be my masterpiece!" He grab up the unfinished poem in one hand, and hurry off back to Verona.

On the way he finds a chemist, "Have you something deadly and strong?"

"Hmmm, what do you mean?" ask the chemist.

"Anything you has probably sold a successful musician or movie star recently," explain Romeo.

"Oh, we has lots of that stuff," assured the chemist, and mix him a deadly formula.

Romeo thank him and pop the vial in his pocket and whiz off to the Captulet Crypt.

Whom do he see but Paris? Paris is sitting by Juliet's box, paying his respects and also munching on a bit of marble cake which the Captulets had supplied him for sustenance, as he had intended to mourn there for a few hours.

"Who is you?" demand Romeo.

"I ask you the same question. I has permission to be here!" answer Paris. "I think YOU is the intruder."

"She is my girl," answer Romeo.

"What is you speaking of, I was to marry her!" say Paris.

Romeo is incensed and rush forward, Paris mistake this for an attack and lunge forward too. They begin a rumble on the floor, not very dignified I is sorry to report.

"Intruder!" snap Paris. "I will have your head!"

"Don't you take Juliet!" call Romeo. He see a large vase like thing available, and smash Paris with it, too hastily. The vase shatters.

Double tragedy. Paris is dead. Also, the ashes of great-great-great grandma Captulet is now all over the place.

"What has I done?" say Romeo.

He take one last look at Juliet. "Juliet, my dearest, I loves you. You looks so much at peace, and I is leaving you my unfinished poem. I only wish I could have finished the rhyme. But I wish to be with you so ... I take this drink!"

He drinks the poison and collapse. Now Romeo is really dead.

The Friar burst into the crypt then and see what has happened. Juliet is just waking up then.

"What went wrong?" she wailed. Romeo is dead, Paris is dead, Great-great-great grandma is dead ... ok, that I expected. And Romeo has left me a poem to finish with a very difficult rhyme!"

"Darn my leftiness!" curse the Friar.

"I has nothing left to live for!" scream Juliet.

"No, don't, Juliet, you can run elsewhere, I shall buy you a good rhyming dictionary, I shall ...." say the Friar.

But Juliet has found a nearby sword and plunged it through her heart.

It was hours later that the Pontagues and Captulets found out what had happened.

"I thinks we should end this feud like grown ups," say Mr Pontague. I do not want any more bloodshed. And the Captulets shook on it.

The Prince of Verona sighed with relief - no more interrupted milkshake breaks.

And Verona prospered - charity collecting was a safe and more prosperous activity from that day on in the city - well, for quite a while.

What's more, the Friar also came out of the closet and admit he was a lefty. His handwriting got better, but he also invest in a computer so he could type his letters and email. Oh, things went better in correspondence from then on - so long as he get the email addresses right.