Monday, 25 February 2008

Romeo + Juliet: A Prudey Tale Part V

The Nurse go into Juliet's room very early in the morning, and she look ... dead.

"Oh goodness gracious! She look dead!" The Nurse scream for Juliet's father and mother.

"She must have died of a broken heart," think the Nurse. "It must be my fault. I is sorry now. When I thinks of it, Rome is just as romantic as Paris. Maybe even more so. I should never have said what I did."

"Aiyee! What use is a dead daughter? She cannot marry Paris and I will never get a big wedding in the family! And I had just got the cake ready! It were to be a marble cake too!" shrieked Juliet's mother.

"Quiet," say her husband. "You can always have cake for dessert after we put Juliet in the crypt. And you can have Juliet's slice too. It seem marble cake will be of little use to her now." He sigh. Juliet's mother stop shrieking.

"Let us dress her in something pretty and put her in a nice box. It is the dignified way."

Meanwhile, Romeo is living in Exile. He is not doing so well. He is trying to write a poem about Juliet.

Oh Juliet you is like a sweet song,
I think abouts you all days long
Oh Juliet you is like vanilla ice cream
You is white and pure all through it seem
Oh Juliet you is a noble penguin

And then Romeo is stuck, for he has been thinking for long about a good rhyme for "penguin" that aptly describe his strong feelings for Juliet but he cannot.

"You has mail," say a postie.

He rip open the envelope. It is blotchy and rather wobbly. Something about Romeo ... something ... tell ... you ... was that a J? oh gosh, the Friar is getting worse. It is his arthritis playing up again. And he would never accept the fact that he was really a leftie. Romeo had always tried to convince him he should out himself and just write with his left hand. However the Friar wwas a stubborn man and tried to write with his right hand all his life. Then he got the shakes, too. The result was something that resembled Morse Code except there was no proper pattern to it.

Romeo give up in disgust. Old men would not face up to real life!

He is thinking about this while he bend over his poem to Juliet, when up bounce a penguin friend.

"Romeo, I has terrible news, Juliet is dead! I has run all the way to Exile to tell you!"

"Is you funning me? Because I do not think this is very funny!" say Romeo.

"No, Penguin Honour Bright, she is lying in a crypt and she looks dead as a penguin could be! Her whole family is in mourning!"

Romeo bend over the Friar's letter and he think he can deciphr the word "dead" and a "J" in there. Maybe that was what the Friar was trying to tell him!

"Oh, how can this be? And Juliet will never here the great poem I was writing for her! It was to be my masterpiece!" He grab up the unfinished poem in one hand, and hurry off back to Verona.

On the way he finds a chemist, "Have you something deadly and strong?"

"Hmmm, what do you mean?" ask the chemist.

"Anything you has probably sold a successful musician or movie star recently," explain Romeo.

"Oh, we has lots of that stuff," assured the chemist, and mix him a deadly formula.

Romeo thank him and pop the vial in his pocket and whiz off to the Captulet Crypt.

Whom do he see but Paris? Paris is sitting by Juliet's box, paying his respects and also munching on a bit of marble cake which the Captulets had supplied him for sustenance, as he had intended to mourn there for a few hours.

"Who is you?" demand Romeo.

"I ask you the same question. I has permission to be here!" answer Paris. "I think YOU is the intruder."

"She is my girl," answer Romeo.

"What is you speaking of, I was to marry her!" say Paris.

Romeo is incensed and rush forward, Paris mistake this for an attack and lunge forward too. They begin a rumble on the floor, not very dignified I is sorry to report.

"Intruder!" snap Paris. "I will have your head!"

"Don't you take Juliet!" call Romeo. He see a large vase like thing available, and smash Paris with it, too hastily. The vase shatters.

Double tragedy. Paris is dead. Also, the ashes of great-great-great grandma Captulet is now all over the place.

"What has I done?" say Romeo.

He take one last look at Juliet. "Juliet, my dearest, I loves you. You looks so much at peace, and I is leaving you my unfinished poem. I only wish I could have finished the rhyme. But I wish to be with you so ... I take this drink!"

He drinks the poison and collapse. Now Romeo is really dead.

The Friar burst into the crypt then and see what has happened. Juliet is just waking up then.

"What went wrong?" she wailed. Romeo is dead, Paris is dead, Great-great-great grandma is dead ... ok, that I expected. And Romeo has left me a poem to finish with a very difficult rhyme!"

"Darn my leftiness!" curse the Friar.

"I has nothing left to live for!" scream Juliet.

"No, don't, Juliet, you can run elsewhere, I shall buy you a good rhyming dictionary, I shall ...." say the Friar.

But Juliet has found a nearby sword and plunged it through her heart.

It was hours later that the Pontagues and Captulets found out what had happened.

"I thinks we should end this feud like grown ups," say Mr Pontague. I do not want any more bloodshed. And the Captulets shook on it.

The Prince of Verona sighed with relief - no more interrupted milkshake breaks.

And Verona prospered - charity collecting was a safe and more prosperous activity from that day on in the city - well, for quite a while.

What's more, the Friar also came out of the closet and admit he was a lefty. His handwriting got better, but he also invest in a computer so he could type his letters and email. Oh, things went better in correspondence from then on - so long as he get the email addresses right.

Thursday, 21 February 2008

Romeo + Juliet: A Prudey Tale Part IV

The Prince of Verona snapped, "I has had it! That's the straw that broke the caramel's back! And I has not even had a vanilla milkshake yet! I is sick of my milkshake breaks being disturbed! Who is responsible for this? I demands to know!"

He is standing over Tybalt.

"Hmmm, that would be Romeo," murmurs a rather scared looking Captulet.

"Right, I will take away all his milkshake privilages, everywhere, FOREVER! I has the power!"

"But Tybalt killed Meritutio first," pointed out Bestolio.

"Sneak sneak sneak sneak," chanted a nearby Captulet.

"Perhaps I was being unduly harsh," admitted the Prince of Verona. "All right. I shall simply exile Romeo. He is not welcome in Verona ever again."

The news spread fast, and poor Romeo took himself far away, and Juliet locked herself in her room and sobbed.

"She is probably crying because she needs a penguin partner," said her dad. He was trying to help but he did not fully understand the situation, like many fathers. "I know - she can marry Paris! Who does not like Paris?"

"Errgh ... slime ball city!" say Juliet in between her sobs.

"Enough of that, if you do not marry him I shall disown you," say her father.

"I thinks you should marry Paris," say her Nurse. "Romeo is gone now and after all Paris sound so romantic!"

Juliet throw a pillow at her and the Nurse start squawking.

"What shall I do?" thinks Juliet, "If I get stuck with Mr Slime Ball I shall hate it. I shall die of boredom. I will spend the rest of my life wsahing my hair and doing my toenails. I know I will have nothing to talk about. Romeo is the sun and the moon and the stars and Paris is ... hmmm, I don't know what. He do not move me. He do not write cute poetry like Romeo. He do not have a twinkle in his eye or jig to a penguin tune like Romoe. He is nothing. Perhaps he ought to be with a penguin who want nothing but I is not that penguin!"

She is feeling so down she climb out the window and visit the Friar and say, "Is there nothing I can do to prevent the world collapsing - well, my marriage to Paris, which is the same thing?" We is to be married tomorrow!"

"You has already been married once," say the Friar.

"Yes, and it is rather slutty to do it twice in such quick succession. I thinks the tabloids would be having a field day if they only knew. But also I do not wish to be joined to this Paris-man. Can you help me?"

"Hmmm," say the Friar. "Well, I have a drug that could help."

"I is not into drugs," say Juliet.

"Maybe you will be when you has tried this one," say the Friar. "When you takes it, it will make you seem dead. Your family will then not think of making you marry Paris unless he has fetishes I is not aware of. They will mourn you and lay you away in the crypt. Everyone will be thinking you is dead. Over a day later, though, you will wake up - and you will NOT be dead - and you can run off and be with Romeo. Of course, I will send someone to tell Romeo of the plan, so it will be a secret - just between us three."

"Hmmm - sound like the only option I has. I am to be married tomorrow," say Juliet.

"Then here it is - this little bottle. Take it before you go to bed tonight - it's a bit bitter. I will write to Romeo right now."

"Are you sure he will understand you?" ask Juliet.

"My handwriting is very neat," the Friar assured her, handing her the bottle. "Now here you go!"

Newsflash!!! Meakin Goes Pro-Penguin

I interrupt my broadcast of Romeo and Juliet to brings you all some fantastic breaking news.

It is about how Channel 7 News Chief Peter Meakin has found his love and devotion for the penguin . I is sure if he can, we all can. He do not seem the naturally soft and cuddly type. But wonders will never cease.

It is not a honourable story that got him there however - he has got a third drink driving conviction and instead of getting gaol, was ordered to do 250 hours of community service.

He has now decided to offer his services in public relations to a penguin preservation team at Manly Environment Centre.

Some anti-drinkers say he has got off lightly.

But if it help the penguins, at least some good come of it, I thinks. We cannot dismiss the good of it. Hopefully one day he will look into a penguin's eye and see the real meaning of life and never touch a drink again for he will see the dignity of the penguin and realise the noble cause of staying sober. That is what I is hoping anyhow.

He will helps the penguin, and the pengiun will helps him. That will truly be the full cycle of life, karma, nature, would it not?

Monday, 18 February 2008

Romeo + Juliet: A Prudey Tale Part III

"Pleeeeease!" say Romeo Pontague to his friend the Friar. "You know what it is like to be in love - I thinks. It is not all hearts and flowers. It is about a march of dignity forever with the one who can get your little penguin heart going."

"Very well, I shall do it," say the Friar.

So along comes Juliet and Romeo, all ready to be married.

"Where is Rosaline? Is you not to be married to Rosaline?" asked the Friar.

"No, I is going for Juliet. This is Juliet."

"Hmmm, I thoughts you were in love with Rosaline. You has written lots of poems about her," say the Friar.

"Has you been two-timing me! I is not putting up with that, Romeo Pontague! I is a moral virtuous type!" cried Juliet Captulet. "My chastity belt will not move for you!"

"No, no, I has not! It is a big mistake, the Friar is all mixed up, it is only you!"

Very soon he has placated Juliet and told the Friar they has better not mention Rosaline again and just hurry up and marry them. Soon they is properly married and Romeo promise never to look at another penguin-girl again. Juliet go home and Romeo hurry off, with his eyes averted.

Suddenly he hear a cry, but fortunately a male cry, so it is ok to look.

Unfortunately it is the Captulet cousin, Tybalt, who say, "You makes trouble for all the Captulets, Romeo, and you gatecrashed our fantastic party! I thinks you may has taken a bit of cake too, and it were my favourite type!"

"Not I! I is not liking chocolate cheesecake at all!" stutter Romeo.

"And how did you know it were choc cheesecake? It were hidden under icing! Only if you TASTED it!" roared Tybalt.

"Ummmm ... maybe I smelled it," murmured Romeo. "I has good smelling faculties."

"Smell this!" roar Tybalt, and tweaked his nose!

Romeo felt this a great insult, but he say with some willpower, "I cannot fight you, Tybalt, we is ... a family." Ahh, Juliet, constantly on his mind!

"Fight!" say Tybalt.

"No! say Romeo.

"I will fight for you, Romeo," say Meritutio.

"No, no, no!" say Romeo. But Meritutio think it important and rush forward to give Tybalt's nose a good tweak. Alas, Tybalt get there first, and get both Meritutio's nose and ear a tweak - and snap both off!

Alas! Meritutio is bleeding away fast!

"No, no, what has you done. You has taken away his ear and nose, and he is draining away, say something Meritutio!"

"A plague on both your houses," whisper Meritutio. It is not charitable, but rather poetic.

Romeo get very mad and rush forth and stomp at Tybalt, give him a good slap and tweak, for he is a passionate penguin. Alas Tybalt fall dead too!

"I did not realise I had grown quite this strong so recently!" thought Romeo.

Then he see the Prince of Verona striding up, "I'll have a vanilla .... hey!" say the stately Prince.

Whoops - better dive, think Romeo.

He manage to run out of sight before he is spotted.

Monday, 11 February 2008

Romeo + Juliet: A Prudey Tale Part II

Romeo Pontague has discovered his love (he has now forgotten all about Rosaline) Juliet is a Captulet.

His friends drag him from the party, but he is repeating to himself:

"Oh Juliet!
You is a Captulet!
You has captured me
Oh Captulet!
Why I loves you so
But I is Romeo,
Why I is the one for you,
Even if I is a Pontague."

His friends think he is a bit potty. They is also quite impressed he can talk rhyme off the cuff so well likes that.

Romeo is smitten so that night he sneak into the Captulet Castle Garden and there he see Juliet on the blacony, who is pondering her love ... for him! he hide behind a nearby rosebush to listen to her wondrous words. She is so beautiful and dignified-looking, standing there in the moonlight.

"Romeo, Rome, wherefore art thou Romeo?" she say.

Romeo is so happy he can hardly resist the urge to pop out and call out "I is here, fair Juliet Captulet! Over by the rosebush!"

But he manage to contain himself.

"It is just a name. A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet," continues Juliet.

She decides to test it buy picking out a rose and she call it "Chrysanthemum!" and then sniff it. It smell the same. "Jukebox!" she call it. "It smell the same," she confirmed. "Scientology!" she call it. She sniff it and thinks it smell a bit funny. "I probably have got a bit of a cold," she excuse herself.

She is about to pick another rose when out pop Romeo.

"Oweeee!" she cry, but when she see it is Romeo her emotions is true delight. "Oh, it is the prudey penguin I is in love with!"

"Do you really has eyes for me?" say Romeo. "For dear Juliet, you is the most prudey and graceful and noble and chaste penguin I has ever laid eyes on."

"Oh I has never heard such music to my ears," say Juliet. "But hide, for they will kill a Pontague if they find him hear. Hmmm. Romeo, I is thinking you is the only penguin I wish to have in my life. You is dignified and noble. You has the best penguin dancing feet a girl could ask for."

"Juliet Captulet, would you like to dance that penguin dance with me forever?"

"If you can marry me, send word tomorrow," says Juliet. "But I thinks it is best to hurry off now for if they make you into penguin burger you is not a good husband for any penguin girl and I fear the Captulets are in a temper right now. Except me."

Romeo hurry off. He has work cut out for him now, that is for sure. But he throw a prudent little kiss to his Juliet, just for a keepsake.

Thursday, 7 February 2008

Romeo + Juliet: A Prudey Tale Part I

Two households, both alike in dignity,
(Lots of dignity I is assuming, and that is a good thing because dignity is to be strived for,
Just as is chastity)
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
At least it is not obscene,
For it is a great Penguiny Prudey story we is telling here
First of a Penguin called Romeo Pontague and one of Juliet Captulet.

However, sadly, the first part of our scene begins like this:
There was some people collecting charity moneys for the Pontagues, and those for the Captulets on the street one days. One little charity collector piped up and says, not too wisely, "We has collected more money than you, Pontagues! Our penguins will be happier and greater in numbers!"
The Pontagues were not very pleased with this and reacted outraged "We is doing very well thanks you and by the way your chastity belt is showing!"

Now these were not very wise words. Charity collecting is altruistic not to sneer at others great efforts (even if you is doing much better hmm hmm) and it is not nice to make fun of a wardrobe malfunction such as a revealing chastity belt. It could be yours next.

This incensed the Captulets were even more angered and their wits were lost, and this ended in a clanging of charity tins on heads. Oh behold!

The Prince of Verona had to intervene and tell them violence was not very Prudey and they had lots to learn.

"Besides making an unholy racket and denting your heads, you is wasting a lot of valuable charity collecting time and blocking traffic! Wasting time and blocking traffic is a grating offence and the next one of youse who does something likes this and disturbs my milkshake break will pay!"

The Prince was very fond of his milkshakes, especially vanilla ones with whipped cream and nut sprinkles.

The Pontagues and Captulets stuck out their tongues at each other but retired. It is a terrible thing, but they were not as wise as penguins is now, and they were very rivalsome groups, in all things.

Back at The Captulet Castle, the lovely little Juliet Captulet who had not been out charity collecting because she was sewing lavender bags to sell at the next Prude Fundraising Effort, was being chatted to by her mother.

"I thinks you ought to marry that man called Paris, he calls often, and you is needing a husband, and he is coming to the dance tonight," Juliet's mother say.

Juliet sigh. She is not too fond of Paris. He look like ... what do people say today? A slime ball?

Over at the Pontague Mansion, Romeo is mooning over Rosaline.

"I am in love with a girl called Rosaline, I really am, but she do not love me," he sigh. "What do I do? I has read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, cover to cover, also What Women Want and every issue of Cleo I could get my hands on and it provide no answers. I has exhausted every avenue."

"You has to forget her," says his great friend, Bestolio.
"I agree, come to a dance tonight, there will be plenty of attractive penguins there plus lots of hot penguin dancing, what more do you need to forget?" chimed in Meritutio, his other great friend.

"Hmmmm, but I is in love ... "

"Oh come now ..." they say

"Indeed you is a best friend like your name, Bestolio, and your idea has merit, like your name, Meritutio. I shall do it!"

And so Romeo went to the penguin dance at the Captulets.

Although it were a masquerade dance, Tybalt, Juliet's cousin, recognised Romeo and thought it very saucy of a Pontague to turn up at the Captulet's dance. He was especially angry since his chastity belt really had been showing then and vowed to make Romeo pay for his arrogance in turning up so soon after the Pontagues had "outed" him.

But Romeo was oblivious to this, since he had just seen Juliet Captulet.

Ah me!

He did not know yet she was a Captulet, and she did not know he was a Pontague. Ignorance did indeed breed temptation. They swam a cross the dancefloor towards each other and did a prudey little penguin dance together and she admired his wayward steps as he did her grace.

They knew then that they were made for each other. They smiled, and chastely dared to touch hands.

"Juliet!" cried her mother, and Juliet was led away by her mother, the prominent hostess.

"Is she a Captulet?" asked Romeo, to himself (thinking: hmmm - silly question)

"Who is that man?" asked Juliet of her Nurse.

"He is Romeo Pontague, and your enemy!"

Juliet is thinking her heart is broken, but she shrouds it with dignity and a noble mask as only a penguin can do.

Lots of money for an 's'

I has read that a British travel company paid $1.2m for the letter 's' in its URL, that is, it wish to be known as "" instead of "" and paid $1.2m for the pleasure.

Now I must say that is a lot of cash. I has worked hard at charity collecting all my Prudey life and never has one person slipped a $1.2m note in my tin. They is not easy to come by.

But I sympathise wholeheartedly with the predicament of this travel company, I is often thinking to myself, it is not easy to get the URL or the email you wishes for. They is often gobbled up by someone whom I suspect is not so deserving.

For instance, when I was first setting up this site, my first wish for a URL was the word "prude". It seem to fit in very well with my identity. Then, it do seem, someone else take the URL! And they has not my Prudey stance. in fact their blog is filled with pictures of Pirates - now what has they to do with the great chasteness that true Prudes aspire to?

What's more there has been only a couple of rather vacuous posts and then it has been abandoned since 2004.

Ahh, what a waste for a potentially, beautifully, chaste name! I weep. The shame of it.

Then I looks at the URL

Again, taken! SOmething about Rocking on with The Prude, but otherwise empty.

Oh I is again mourning these good URLs, in a wasteland. Rock on with this The Prude? I thinks not.

So I try Oh the shame of it. Something I cannot understand at all I think it is in Spanish or something. Some funny language. Lots of pictures of people with clothes - thank goodness at least not naked and not much flesh-flashing - but not a penguin to be seen. Clearly could do with improvement.

So my top blog choices has been taken!

But naturally I must select another for Prude cannot let a this URL get in the way of her mission, and she do not have $1.2m.

I settles here, where you all knows me.

However, I feel the pain. I empathise. It is a world not always fair. But I must say after a year here I is very proud of PRUDESMISSION

And I did not have to pay a cent for my three s's!