Sunday, 24 December 2006

Satan's Little Helper

I is looking around at the so-called Santa's Little Helpers we are seeing who is supposed to be Christmas role models. And I is expressing my outrage. I mean really, it is quite disgusting.

Santa is, as moral people know, all about children. Santa is about giving I mean it is like charity you should give money to penguin charities regardless of the trouble it causes you, just as Santa would drive his sleigh of reindeer over the world and give presents to children regardless of the trouble. Even if this means a bit of shimmying down chimneys.

What's more Santa chooses a good wholesome glass of milk as his drink of choice which earns him more points in my eyes. A very good moral role model, even if perhaps he needs to do a bit more penguin dancing to lose a bit of weight off that rotund belly of his.

However it disgusts me that people around the world now want to give Santa's little helpers a sexual connotation, it really does. Santa is a jolly fellow and has lots of work to do, so he needs helpers but I believe they ought be modest and diligent types not the types to flaunt and flirt and provide bad role models for children. Nowadays they seem to show lots of flesh and wear very short skirts and try to attract the looks of MEN. I mean really, what sort of present is THAT to a child?

Santa's little helpers are in need of great moral help and guidance.

I think it started some time ago when Santa, for aerodynamic and totally practical reasons, felt it would be good for his elves to wear stockings. Then it spiralled into absolute depravity. Little short skirts with bestockinged legs that leave not much to the imagination. Plunging cleavage. It is one of the sad Christmas stories we hear.

Along with your milk and biscuits tonight, I urge good moral families to leave out at least one (1) red or green elf-sized tent dress for Santa so he may take it back to the North Pole and dress his little helpers more becomingly. It will be your Christmas good deed. If we all do our bit, we can change the future of Christmas.


righteous said...

I think the attempt to 'sex up' Christmas may have begun with Marilyn Monroe's version of the song 'Santa Baby', sung in that cutesie-pie voice and the strongly suggestive lyric 'hurry down the chimney tonight'.

What's wrong with a bit of Christmas sex? Put a big 'X', not Christ, back into Xmas, I say.

Friendless said...

Prude, please forward my email address to those girls as I am able to advise them on deportment. I think they will be very fine subjects for the training I have in mind. BTW, do you know a good on-line site for pink fluffy handcuffs?